Wednesdays are my writing days. I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve finally recovered from the weekend or if I’m on a high from two evenings in a row of counseling classes.

Lent begins today, Wednesday, February 26th, and ends on Thursday, April 9th. That feels like such a long time. Two vices immediately came to mind when considering what to give up: meat (out of respect for the planet) and… alcohol. Nooooo, anything but alcohol. I tried to convince myself that meat would be a sacrifice for me. I eat… kind of… enough meat to consider it a sacrifice? Sure, I don’t cook meat for myself… and I don’t go out to eat often (grad school budget)… and it’s not super tempting to me in the first place.

Which leaves alcohol. Giving up everything… but red wine. I don’t have enough integrity or commitment to give up all alcohol, so let’s acknowledge that before I get back up on my high horse after I was bucked off.

I have always been called to observe Lent. I nor my family have never been deeply religious, so this is a bit of an anomaly for me. Almost every year, at this time, I have attempted (not unsuccessfully) giving up vices or guilty pleasures: social media, complaining, junk food, etc.

Sacrificing something that brings short-term, earthly pleasure or satisfaction in the name of something bigger than myself is my game. I don’t diet or deprive myself of food, good or “bad,” but giving up entirely something tasty that I usually consume in moderation to make God or the universe happy? Done. I’m not saying it’s easy, but that’s the only motivation I need.

Giving up alcohol is really the only option I have this year. I’ve either modified all my other daily habits to be more mindful, or I’ve accepted that they are little rituals that keep me grounded or get me through the day. For example, I have so ruthlessly curated and pared down my social media accounts that they now only serve me encouraging, uplifting content. Another “bad” habit: scrolling through them before getting out of bed in the morning. The internet (ironically) screams at you to get off your phone! Pop out of bed! Get the day started! Be pRoDuCtIvE! As it is, upon waking, I dread getting out of bed, getting the day started, and being productive (hence the career change… because this is no way to live). But as of now, those few moments where I indulge in some mindless scrolling through content that is encouraging and uplifting while snuggling my dog, taking in the quiet, and enjoying the haven that is my bed is what gets me through.

From what I’ve read, Lent is not entirely about sacrificing something. It can be about adding something intentional to your daily routine for forty days straight. I like this concept as well, but it triggers a thought/feeling that’s been dominating my experience lately.

Do not force things. Do not participate in something you don’t feel called to participate in. Don’t check off an activity every day for forty days just for the satisfaction of crossing off a list. Don’t fit your life improvement and personal development into a box. Do not force a new habit upon yourself for the sake of a label.

I am overwhelmed and consumed by all the things I “should” be doing that I either do not do, or do not do wholeheartedly. My blood pressure is sky-rocketing even as I’m thinking about this. Things I “should” be doing include the following:

• Get up earlier. Get out of bed the first time your alarm goes off.
• Have a morning routine. Do some yoga, some meditation, some “self-care.” Don’t rush.
• Work out once a day. Try new fitness classes. Get your money’s worth at your gym.
• Eat balanced and healthy food. Cook sophisticated meals because you’re an adult now.
• Don’t watch too much Netflix; read a book instead. But not a trashy beach-read. Read all of Malcom Gladwell’s work.
• Be productive in every aspect of your life: at work and in your free time.
• Listen to inspirational podcasts on your commute.
• Do the chores you’ve been putting off instead of having a quiet moment to yourself on the couch when you get home from work.
• You should be networking!!! Even if you like your job!!
• Keep up to date on current events and the news. Be politically active and informed. Also, consume news from all perspectives so that you’re not biased.
• Travel!!!!!! Plan trips to cool places! Get outside your comfort zone! Plan a vacation that involves twenty Instagrammable sites, six flights, three train rides, and a full itinerary everyday.
• Have fun with your friends. Go out and let loose, but don’t be tired or hungover the next day. You only have two weekend days – don’t waste them!
• Don’t forget to pick up the multiple packages in your Amazon locker, or check the front stoop for all your online shopping purchases.
• Learn how to invest and manage your money wisely. You have loans and you will live a long life: you’re going to need a lot of money.

I could go on, but I have to cut myself off because I have this pit in my stomach and my heart is racing. That list is what my internal dialogue sounds like 16/7 (I do prioritize eight hours of sleep, at least).

This endless list of “shoulds” gives me so much anxiety that all I think about all day is quitting my job, moving out to a farm, and living off the land for the rest of my life. I wouldn’t last a week, but one week on a farm sounds better than one more minute of this.

THIS IS ALL TO SAY, if there is one thing I ask you (and myself, mainly talking to myself here)… for Lent or for life, give up the “shoulds.” Give every single one of them up. If you find yourself laying in your bed or on the couch, with barely enough motivation to inhale and exhale, stop. Listen to yourself. Do nothing. Absolutely nothing. You need it.