With the new year comes an abundance of content around planning and strategizing for the calendar year ahead and setting quantifiable goals to reach achievement targets.

Despite being a professional “planner” and classic type-A firstborn, this is hugely triggering for me. Why? Because my life goals are intangible and, bless my soul, absolutely out of my control.

Upon graduating college in 2015, I felt a bizarre plateau. I had a job in my desired field, I had a boyfriend, and I had a plan for living arrangements.

I accomplished graduating college and getting a job. But those weren’t the big goals I wanted and was working towards; none of those accomplishments put me on a path that would guarantee achievement.

My life goals were, and still are, to create a healthy, strong partnership with a someone with whom I’m in love, create a successful career that would provide resources and flexibility to accommodate my future family, and set up a life in a great community with fulfilling experiences, like friendships and travel.

Those goals don’t exactly fit into your standard goal-setting template or detailed paper planner.

To add another layer, I’ve been experiencing an existential crisis of sorts. I find myself wondering what the meaning of life is, whether my life goals will provide any value to the world, or are they for my pleasure and fulfillment alone?

I’ve wanted a family for as long as I can remember, but lately I’m questioning if I truly do, and if so, why?

The answer: yes, and simply to give and receive love and connection.

Which brings me back to the original dilemma: how does one set out to create a loving partnership and healthy family? Some ideas:

• Be open, authentic, and emotionally available to romantic relationships
• Take care of your physical body, knowing it will either grow or contribute to growing a little human someday
• Distract yourself? With hobbies, adventures, experiences to fulfill you in the meantime

I’ve spent more than five years working towards this goal, and I’ve been afraid to admit that to myself or anyone else. It happens so effortlessly for some; I pretended to patiently wait for that to be me, pretended I was detached from what I really wanted.

Not much has changed since then, except now, at 27, I have no shame in admitting these things. Also, despite the analytics Word Press provides, I pretend no one will see this…

Thus far, I’m convinced these goals can only be accomplished by abandoning control and cultivating faith that your god or universe will provide.